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The things she used to say to me... [18 Dec 2010|01:49pm]
This is from 2-3-07:

"Hey baby. I know you wont get this until later,
probably when Im sitting right next to you. But I want
to write you now, while my feelings are fresh and
nearly unbearable. All morning Ive been acutely aware
of how much I miss the feel of your skin against mine.
Ive been in this weird hyper-sexual-romantic mood
since I woke up. Its not like being horny. . .I do
want sex, but I want it in the sense of super slow,
super connection, super married-ish type sex. I want
to feel you kiss me, not just pecks or flirty kisses
but long, hands-in-hair slooooow kisses. I want to
feel you slide your body overtop mine as we kiss, the
beginnings of our excitement just brushing each other.
I want to feel that perfect freedom I feel everytime I
lay naked before you. Without inhibition (well,
usually) or fear. Just the acceptance of our bodies
and the flesh that mingles while we move against each
other. I want the moment of near pain when you first
guide yourself inside me, when our connection becomes
as complete as we are going to get in this earthly
life. I want to feel the smooth movements of the
muscles of your shoulders under my hands, the delicate
touch of your fingertips on my breasts. I just want to
feel you against me, inside me, with me. Its never fun
being away from you, but today its more than I can
stand. And it will be more than 12 hours before I can
see you :( I miss you so much baby. I hope Im clinging
to you as you read this, and if I am, turn to me and
kiss me now. I've been waiting all day :)

I love you,


And she wonders why I can't let go...why I can't just let her fuck other people. This is where my heart is and will always be. A guy can't just get over that kind of love. It goes away and you can't help but wish to have it back. All the time.
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[06 Dec 2010|10:48pm]
This can't go on. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I don't know if there's anything I CAN do. Please, Universe, someone, SOMETHING, show me something I can do.
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Desperate Plea [23 Oct 2010|03:07am]
Please please please God, Universe, ALL THINGS MERCIFUL IN THIS EXISTENCE!!! Please help me, I really don't think I can do this. I'm trying so hard to stay sane. I don't want to start shit with her. I want to let it go but it's eating me up. I can't fucking believe after all this bullshit and anticipation she's staying alone with him in the same room. What the fuck does she expect me to think and feel about that? I swear I'm gonna fucking lose my goddamn mind. Of all things, certainly I don't deserve this, God. Surely I don't deserve this! Everyday is pure fucking hell since she cheated on me and it just goes on and on. She completely ignores what she's doing to me and focuses all the blame for everything on me. I wish I knew what the hell to do. I'm so fucking lost and confused. I wish there was some kind of help. I want to be a good person, a good husband, a good father. I want to be worth something in this universe. Please tell me that the one great woman that I met can love me through thick and thin no matter what...and that we can survive any hardship to the end of our lives and beyond. I truly want to spend the rest of my life with Tara. Please give us both the strength to love eachother and give ourselves completely to eachother.
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The Endlessness Goes on and on... [02 Aug 2010|12:33am]
Fuck this piece of shit, fuck it all, fuck fuck fuck. Beyond fucking pissed. Beyond anything I can describe or explain. I'm so FUCKING sorry I'm not mr. fucking perfect, Tara. I'm so god damn mother fucking sorry I don't have a perfect face, perfect body, perfect personality, perfect job. I don't understand why you want to fucking be with me accept to keep our family together and to keep me around as a fallback in case shit never goes anywhere with Scott. I'd love to go to that party with you, I'd love to, but as a couple...not as some loser that's tagging along while you're just hoping you'll impress him or attract him somehow with your new weightloss. I want to go with you as your only man that matters. I want that to be the case because you're the only woman that matters to me. But no it's not the same way for you, is it? Oh he's just so fucking hot you can't control yourself. I'm sorry I'm not charismatic. I'm sorry I like porn just as much as you do.

Oh wait, let's have a little aside about the porn thing. You'll probably make some comment about how I'm willing to risk so much more than you in my pursuit of porn. But when have you EVER had to worry about not having access to the porn you wanted at the time you wanted it? You've had your own movies of the things you liked and a phone with internet access - that you now pay $80 a month for 2 years now (adding up to $1924 as opposed to the $24 I spent on two measly videos - for our entire relationship - AND a husband who doesn't care if you look at and masturbate to porn - ANY kind of porn as long as it's not flat out illegal. You've never had that interest fully restricted so you don't know what lengths you might go to in your pursuit of it if you weren't 'allowed' to have it at home. I don't want to hear your one-sided double standard arguments about it anymore. I don't buy any of that shit. The whole thing is just a control issue with you. You are hurt because you realized you can't control EVERYTHING I do when you're not around. You can't control what I'm looking at or what I might jack off to. You can't prescreen everything and make sure it passes your own rules for what is 'proper' for me.

I'm sorry I have a passion that I'd like to pursue as well. I'm FUCKING SORRY. At least I can honestly say I don't want to be with anyone but you, that no other female is important enough to waste that much fucking time talking about to my friends, following around work, looking endlessly at her facebook pictures and all that bullshit. I'm here for YOU, Tara. I'm here to be your husband. I'm not perfect and sorry to break it to you but neither is Scott. Underneath your aura of fantasy you've built around him is a person with flaws and interests that you have no connection to. No different than any other fucking human on this fucked up earth.

I wish you would just be honest with me about your motives with him. I wish you wouldn't drag me along just so you don't have to be alone while you work on pursuing someone else. It's fucking sick what you're doing to me and everyone I talk to about it feels the same way. You know, I wish I could be so accomplished as he is but you won't let me. You can't handle the thought of me ACTUALLY being successful and pursuing my dreams. You buy me gifts like a bass and a piano just to shut me up. If I actually got into a band or started spending time trying to find success as a musician you'd end up bitching about how it's taking time from you and then you'd be all worried I was gonna go off and fuck groupies or I'd ever be on that level of rock stardom anyway. You can't even let me try being a music teacher at a high school or college. I'm not doing this so I get to look at or fuck high school or college chicks. The idea is so that I can do something I might actually enjoy to some degree for a living and take care of YOU and Story. I'm fucking tired of wasting my life, wasting my talents and you shoot down every option I might have of changing that. I'm not like you babe, I don't even remotely like the idea of cheating on you or falling prey to some other female's wiles. I *LIKE* the idea of being with one person that I think is hot for the rest of my life. I don't want to fuck other people. I want the ideal - one woman, one man, together, forever. I thought we had that. I've always wanted that with you and I still continue to hold onto that with you in spite of the ways you've completely shattered my heart and continue to.

Our whole relationship has become so dysfunctional and psychotic, or should I say it was like that from the beginning. You're too controlling and I'm all too willing to be controlled even though it drives me fucking insane.

I'm so fucking scared to lose you I can't even take control of my own life because I'm worried you'll leave me over it. How fucked up is that? You seem to be able to get all pissed at me and give me all these ultimatums and bullshit and not even worry that my reaction might be to say, "fine, I'm leaving then". I don't understand how you can do that. I try so hard not to give in to anger and say shit like what I'm saying in this post because I'm afraid you'll leave me over the cruel things I have to say. But you can EASILY say shit like this and worse to me and not even worry that it might drive me away. Your attachment, commitment, desire to stay with me, by me, yatta yatta is nothing like mine. Nothing close. And so what if it sounds like there's desperation in my wanting to be with you. Of course there is. We have an opportunity to have what we both have wanted so bad for all of our lives - someone to stay by our side, someone to care about us always and love us always. We could really make this work and I'm so ready and already have given up those things that hurt you but you just keep shitting on your end of things. Everyday you're at that god forsaken place. Telling me I act like a child...look at yourself! Following that asshole around like a mindless teenage you're 12 and he's one of the New Kids. I hate to break it to you babe, but we're both just as fucked up, that's how we attracted eachother. Why not start trying to use that to our advantage and work on ourselves AND our relationship, our family?

I give up...for now.
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[15 Jul 2010|11:08pm]
He is perfect. Everything about him. She wants to fucking lick him from head to toe for god sakes. She WANTS to suck his cock, probably even swallow his cum. She sees his lips, his hands, his movements, mannerisms, his voice and all things SCOTT as being simply *perfect*. His upper arms, much meatier than mine...I will never have that kind of build. NEVER. It's just not in my frame. I will never be tan and stout the way he is. He is perfection. I will never be beautiful to her the way that he is. I am second best now. FOREVER. Those upper arms she goes on about. Mine are skinny and even if they bulked up would be too 'cut'. How could I get the right combination of meatiness without being too fat or too defined. And worst of all my face. There is simply NO changing that. I'll never be him. I'll never be a passionate marine biologist, I'll never handle and care for animals the way he does. I'll never be able to tell stories and entertain a crowd the way he does. I simply can't be him.

So looking at me, who I REALLY am...what is that to her? Somewhat less than exciting, somewhat less than fully sexually invigorating? I have the skills to please her but not the visual representation. Maybe his cock IS bigger than mine and would please her better - the sight of it and the feel. I have no ass, I suppose he does.

I love pleasing her sexually, but I know I cannot fully please her visually by my own physical presence. She says it's like comparing apples and oranges. Well I like apples but I'm only 'ok' with oranges. So it must be like that. Maybe he's apples and I'm oranges. Either way, I know I'm second, I know I just don't do it for her like he does. I know I'm a consolation, a fall back, a substitute.

She desires so badly to be attractive to him. She WANTS him SO bad. She wants him to FUCK her. She said that her pussy is mine, 100%, well only until HE comes around. Then she is consumed, able only to think of him. All she wants is to give herself, her body to him. Her heart is mine (perhaps) but her body would just as soon belong to him if she had the chance.

I no longer feel like 'hers'. I no longer feel like she is 'mine'. Her mind, her libido, is preoccupied even obsessed at times, consumed. Her pussy is so completely activated by his existence, his presence without him even doing anything.

I want her to be mine, I know that I can love her, adore her, desire her in a way he NEVER will...maybe not even if she's more attractive, but I guess she doesn't care. Her desire for him is all consuming. I am some thing of the past it seems. Still good for a fuck, but just not enough to fully satisfy. Oh I can get my ears pierced, start wearing more jewelery, necklaces, bracelets, jeans, etc, etc, etc, etc....I will NEVER do for her what he does.

I don't understand why she still wants to be with me, though I get the feeling she doesn't. I suspect she's going to get the surgery and when she begins losing weight and seeing the attention she gets, her confidence will go up and soon she will feel that he is in her sights. She may begin to flirt more, talk more, try to draw him in. And like she said, lust evolved into love...and maybe she will begin to love him and after seducing him, he will fall in love with her. She'll have him and I will be a thing of the past, a relic, so completely and totally overshadowed, just as I am everytime she sees him at work.

Anyway, that's enough negative bullshit for now.

PLEASE Universe, God, whatever You are, PLEASE let these thoughts and feelings be irrational. Please let her see how much I love her and want to be with her and take care of her. I can be there for her and stay by her side like no one else. I know this. I know I can touch her, kiss her, fuck her like no other. My desire for her is palpable, painful even. Make her happy with me, happy to be with only me. Let all other attractions seem pale and useless in comparison, as they are to me. Just passing images that leave almost as quickly as they come. Let him lose his power over her, let her see my love and desire, appreciate it and return it with the same enthusiasm. LOVE

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[10 Jul 2010|11:21pm]
Why why why can't I screen my actions before taking them? Why can't I orchestrate perfection? Why can't I fucking pay attention and think ahead? I seek with all of my being to patch a sinking ship but somehow only end up poking more holes in it. Please Universe, please, I promise my intentions are absolutely pure, my desire to love, to commit, to devote is pure...PLEASE help me, PLEASE help us. PLEASE.

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never never never [15 May 2010|07:21pm]
I'll never be able to stop fucking up. Every fucking time Tara and I have the hint of a good day going I have some bullshit pop up and I just have to bring it up and push it. I don't know how the fuck to stop it. I don't know why I can't catch it and shut it down before it comes out. I'm so fucking sick of myself. I don't know what to do...everyday can't be a good day, ya know? But it'd be nice if I could avoid fucking up the good ones with shit that could've been easily avoided...saved for another time or never, maybe, preferably...

I need a softy bomb to the nuts for my stupidity...
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[24 Apr 2010|02:55pm]
Gonna ramble for a bit while my sweet angel sleeps.

So Tara and I should be 'on the mend', at least things are ever so slightly better. I had a nice time last night. A nice time this morning...until that shit came up. I just couldn't stop pushing it, as usual. My self loathing runs so deep and has a life of its own. Especially after the past 2 (almost 3 now, jeeze) weeks, that part of me is so on edge and just ready to jump at any opportunity to destroy my self esteem and sense of self worth and my value in this relationship further. I yearn to be uplifted and made to feel special and valuable, but this dark part of me fights to regain its standing at all costs. I must be cut down, I must be made to feel inferior...and as far as my place in this relationship is concerned, I must find ways to feel expendable, easily replaceable because that's what I believe myself to be.

I think that I push these things so that I can then use them as evidence and shove them back in her face..."now what're you gonna say? How're you gonna PROVE that this isn't true? PROVE to me that I'm special, that I'm like no other, that you LOVE me...PROVE it....because now I have evidence that may suggest the contrary..."

It's a horrible thing to do and I must's not fair to her...this constant need of reassurance, so fucking insecure, so fucking weak.

And there's no way I can reciprocate everything I demand. There's nothing I can say (or even do) to prove to her that I love her, that she can't number or style of compliments, no amount of special gifts tailor-made for her.

But FUCK, I do love her, I do find her so sweet to be close to, so soft to the touch, I need to feel her against me, to feel her affection toward me.

But I don't know what's real anymore (aside from how *I* feel).

Hard times, wait and see, wait and see...
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restricting my impulses [18 Apr 2010|03:59pm]
So having to restrict the openness to keep pushing this issue and talking about it and dissecting it and trying to make sense of it is killing me. My mind just pushes and pushes with this impulse to get back into it. Figure some part of it out. I begin to think about some aspect of what happened and I want to talk to Tara about it, try to get some more info out of her. I can't stand that impulse. It just builds and builds and I get angry and frustrated. I can't fucking stand it. I can't fucking stand it. I want to grill her to make her tell me 'play by play' what happened on Thursday. I am furious at her for that whole day, and the next morning. Of course she's furious at me for Wednesday night. I am so deeply saddened by the idea that she actually has the ability to speak that way with another guy. Like it's so easy, even though she says it makes her anxious. I keep imagining precisely what they could've talked about. I wonder how the day's conversation went, what their private world is like. What they 'shared' together. I know she didn't fuck him but in my mind, I think the impulse for both of them was strong enough to had I not been in the way. It certainly would have happened. And maybe if Tara was just a bit more pissed at me she could've done it. I can't stop thinking about her sitting at work texting him that morning as I slept, what was going on in her mind, how she felt, how excited was she, did she get wet? Did she find a way to masturbate a little bit or just touch herself in spite of the kids being around? As far as the "separation" it's pretty hard not to think that it was just a setup to give her the ability to lose control while talking to Jewfish. She was distraught about Wednesday night and that triggered the need to engage in that kind of conversation the next day. I want to inhabit her world on that day, be a fly on the wall or a devil on her shoulder. My mind creates this need like I *MUST* know.
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"I" [06 Apr 2010|09:53am]
That damn "I" STILL exists. I believe it will never go away and shall wreak endless havoc on my life until my dying day!
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[28 Mar 2009|04:08pm]
'I' still exist
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moving [29 Jul 2008|05:47am]
[ mood | groggy ]

Another sudden middle-of-the-night anxiety awakening. Didnt know what to do. Decided to write. Always have to wake up in the middle of the night, worried, anxious, wondering what the hell im gonna do with myself and with this horrible acid reflux, bile climbing up my esophagus, trying to burn a hole through it. I hate moving. I hate getting new jobs. I wanna be back close to my family but I think ill end up a total wuss about the weather now that ive been spoiled by the nice weather here. I just dont see how its at all possible to achieve anything I want to achieve in my life. My mind is too weak and after all these years depression, paranoia, anxiety still get the best of me all the time. It all comes down to money.

We are all alone with ourselves. No matter what. All my life no matter what I was doing, regardless of my so-called 'spiritual' pursuits, there was and is nothing there but my own mind and its fantasies. So ive essentially given up on believing any philosophy, 'spiritual' or otherwise is worth much except maybe a momentary curiosity to pass the time. Yet, when i m in this kind of state I find myself once again mentally reaching out for some kind of 'divine' assistance which is just another mental apparition - something I created in my mind because the truth is that there is nothing else to rely on - which is to say that there is nothing to rely on. 'God please help me'. It's a fantasy. There is only you and your will power. Life itself is completely meaningless until you ascribe meaning to it - which requires each individual to pretend and create fantasies in their mind - which requires mental and emotional strength -which I dont have. I want to create a fantasy that im strong and capable and intelligent and creative and talented, etc etc simply because, all things being considered, it probably results in a better quality of life, regardless of it all being a fantasy. Might as well be a good fantasy.

But im neck deep in this negative quicksand of a fantasy that has been well documented on this journal and the reprogramming of my shitty brain seems to be an endless life-long process that will never advance to point where the quality of my life is set to improve.

Funny how everything here is all in an effort to make money. All the worrying, the depression, the trying to find an answer to it all is simply so I can cope with whatever actions I have to take or situations I have to endure in order to make money. Thats it.

Of course it's not just survival. Its survival doing things that you 'like' to do.

Anyway, I just want money and instruments and a computer and a car.


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where'd I go? [21 Jun 2008|01:26pm]
Jeeze. It's been so long since I've posted in here. Seems to be the way it goes, though. Living in North Myrtle Beach with my wife and two cats. Working at a pizza place called Hungry Howie's. Life is life.
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[01 Dec 2006|05:13am]
Learning to deal with all this shit and start taking responsibility for my decisions and actions. Now that I'm married all of my decisions have to be tempered by my situation with my wife and her daughter. I hope I can come to some good conclusion about my place in the universe as a musician. Lately, my drive to achieve a very high level of musicianship is increasing. A lot of this has to do with the inspiration I've got from Tara. Now that I have her, my musical pursuits feel more purposeful, in spite of the fact that she will probably never really get into the music I create or understand my relationship to music - also in spite of the fact that I see no possibility of bringing much money in with this all consuming obsession of mine. I believe I probably CAN figure something out. Currently, I'm starting to work out an idea for a portable eartraining device, like a hand held video game. This is an idea I've had for quite a while, slowly trying ot flesh out the details i.e. The various benefits and what not. I want it to be absolutely versatile and be capable of training any aspect of a musician's ear. The idea has basically come from the fact that access to a computer with the eartraining programs I like to use on it is never guaranteed. I wish I could just carry around a device that allowed me to do eartraining drills throughout the day.

A musican should be able to hear any pitch in 3 basic ways:

Absolutely (what would be called "perfect pitch"), without reference to other pitches.

In relationship to the pitches either before, after, above or below it (intervals)

In relationship to a key center (scale degrees)

I want to design a system that trains all 3 of these aspects, then builds on them by going into chords, various scales and modes, chord progressions and things of that nature. I'd also like to have a way for the student to have the option to enter ANYTHING they might want to eartrain on in any order.

I want singing to be an integral part as well. A musician ideally should be able to sing anything (s)he can identify by ear. I know vocal control is an issue for many musicians, even great ones, but that can be developed with practice. I'm not saying the student has to have a great voice - just enough vocal control to sing in tune. Everything should be internalized to the point that it can be heard and instantly recognized and also be instantly recalled and sang if need be.

It will also teach the student how to spell everything out in notation.

So, for example, take a simple C major chord which consists of the pitches C, E and G. A musician should be able to sing a C, E or G individually without the need of a reference, from memory. That would be the absolute aspect. The student should also be able to recognize and sing the 3 basic intervals present within the chord. A Major 3rd between C and E, a Perfect 5th between C and G and a minor 3rd between E and G. Also, the student should be aware of the degrees of the chord which would be the root (C), 3rd (E) and 5th (G).

It is also possible to have one more dimension here. That would be if the chord is occuring in a different key than the root of the chord. Say the C major chord is occuring in the key of F. This would make it the V chord of F. The notes C, E and G will now sound as scale degrees V, VII and II in the key of F while still simultaneously sounding as R, 3rd and 5th.

I'm just at the beginning stages here, so I can't be sure how it'll all pan out. If it pans out at all :op
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[24 Nov 2006|09:25am]
[ mood | pissed off ]

Sorry, fucking sorry. Tired, fucking tired. I tried. I have no license or car. Tried to get something out of someone...but no one. You use the word 'shitty' to describe your birthday. I know you aren't blaming me specifically, but in stating that it was shitty, you deny and shit upon anything I tried to do to make it better. I did the best with what I had. You didn't even bother to bring the rose and card up from the car, clearly indicating it meant shit to you that I tried to make the most of a difficult situation. You seem to be having a good time and I am reinforcing that by making it quite clear how beautiful I think you look, then suddenly turn around and show nothing. You want to go home. You have no desire to be around me or have anything to do with me, yet once home, Bitty and Veruca are quite deserving of your kindness and affection. I mean shit. SHIT. And you tell me that 'it's always about me'. It has nothing to do with me. It has to do with the fact that you got $110 total, a rose, a card, and me going out with you to somewhere I had great reservations to go to but ultimately overcame those reservations to have a good time and show you that I was just happy to be out with you, ANYWHERE as long as it was with you, my WIFE whom I love rather deeply...

Yeah, pretty shitty, I know...REALLY fuckin sucks, lemme tell ya...

Look, I know it wasn't the best day ever, even if it wasn't your birthday it wouldn't have been a particularly spectacular day, but if thats the attitude you were gonna have about it and have the audacity to tell me point blank it was the shittiest birthday you've had in recent years, then why the fuck did I waste my time doing ANYTHING to make it better?

So go ahead and laugh at me without explanation and bitch at me for snoring, which I know for a fact I rarely do. You are only kind, caring and loving to me when I play your perfect pet, have no complaints about anything and go along with all of your selfish plans for 'us' and demands of me to correct my horrible ways...

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[16 Oct 2006|08:09am]
[ mood | tired ]

I have the most amazing woman. Her beauty is stunning. She will never understand or believe that. I don't care. I love her.

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[16 Oct 2006|07:29am]
I'm so sick of these 'lack of confidence' episodes. Most of the time they're triggered by her behavior. Sometimes it just comes seemingly out of nowhere. Things she says or does (or doesn't do) will eat away at me far longer than they should. Or I'll just shrug it off my shoulders but later when a typical expected episode arises while at work or something, the little (and most of the time, these things are VERY little) incident will suddenly awaken in my memory and be added to the already growing bonfire of stupidity.

I also just read the first entries in her journal about me when we first met. It's depressing. I don't feel like that person anymore and I don't feel like our relationship has that kind of spark anymore. She acts different with me than she did back then. Recently, she seems to angle her head and pull away to resist my kisses to make up for the fact that she doesn't want to kiss me. She gives me ridiculous little peck kisses. I just feel more and more like it's turning out like the rest of my relationships. As the girl realizes I'm REALLY into her and I stop holding back and start expressing myself, expressing my love, my desire, my affection, my devotion and I make it clear that I am and will always be faithful, she loses that seemingly 'magnetic' attraction she seemed to have for me in the beginning.
Tara used to really come to me. She used to desire my cuddles and kisses every bit as incessantly as I did her's. I remember a time when she was at my house when I lived with Justin. We were in my room and she was over spending time with me. I got up to go get us something to drink and she immediately followed me, holding onto my shirt. She seemed so happy to be with me. It made me feel so special, so wanted, like I never had before.

Of course I realize most of this is my fault. It is a result of things that I keep trying so hard not to do - habits of mind I keep trying so hard not to fall into. But the impulse is so intense. I can't seem to escape it. It may seem to go for a time but it will always creep back when I least expect it.

God, I just want to be that person again. That person she REALLY fell in love with and not this more realistic 'human erring' nutcase I turned into and that she probably only loves by default, maybe because she is waiting and hoping to see if I'll turn into that guy again. Please help me, Universe. I love her so much. She's so fucking amazing.

I'm laying here looking at her gorgeous shapely body, laying sideways facing the wall. The way her body curves and the softness of her skin is absolutely stunning. I need to keep her beauty in my life.

Just help me feel like I deserve it again. Like when we first met. PLEASE.
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[27 Sep 2006|01:34pm]
Even though I feel like I have many very good reasons to hate myself and be hated I've got to stop this shit. Still, there are many things I fucked up on that simply cannot be reversed and that regardless, I cannot and will not accept. I'm praying with all of my fucking soul that I can recover SOMETHING of what I lost that was in my storage. The shit with Justin was also a mess and resulted in a degeneration to a pointless and needless power struggle which I stopped. I know my friend. He won't fuck me over the way I fucked him over. He's a better man than I. Most people are. My only desire is not to be someone who doesn't own up to his own faults. I am at fault here. *I* fucked up, *I* fucked my friends over - my good friends that were kind enough to offer me a place to stay in an ideal setting under no lease or contract. I owe them at least some kind of effort to pay what I owe. Still, for the most part I don't know who or what I am or what I'm supposed to become. I have many shitty traits that have and are still destroying my life.

Please please God help me recover as much as I can from my storage. Everyday I wonder why I couldn't be more adamant about taking care of it. Well, I know why. I don't know. I just don't know what I'll do if I lose ALL of it. Please help.

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[17 Sep 2006|06:59am]
[ mood | irritated ]

Bored and tired of all this fucking self hatred. I can always find a reason to feel alone and introverted, eating away at myself with this wretched feeling. My step mom bought me this book when I was in second grade called "Wretched Robert". It was a relatively short novel and I used to read it from time to time (even when I was way too old for a book like that), almost with the sole purpose of 'thanking' her for that gift - thanking her for trying. She wasn't our REAL mom. I also remember my best friend T.J. In 4th or 5th grade calling her my 'fake' mom and me going along with it. But inside I felt bad about it cuz I always kinda felt that she was a good kind person and really loved and cared for us. It wasn't that I had anything against her personally. I just had issues with the fact that my mom and dad got divorced and it sucked shit. Talking about all that now also makes me realize that for a long time, much longer than I realized at the time, I entertained this foolish hope that they might somehow get back together and everything would be 'right' and ok again. God I hated all that bullshit. For years I had to listen to everyone verbally bashing everyone else. I had to listen to my mom bitch about 'your fucking father' and my dad talk about how my mom was worthless and was never gonna make anything of herself. I don't know why I'm writing all of this. I suppose I'm tired enough to fall asleep now.

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[15 Sep 2006|10:55am]
[ mood | worried ]

AHHHHHHHH, where the fuck am I gonna get money, huh? My life is slowly slipping away, I have no fucking idea what to do. By the end of this month I will have lost practically everything I own and that has defined my life. I just want my stuff back and some sort of financial stability. I'm so fucking frustrated with myself and my lack of fucking responsiblity and I'm so fucking worried. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. No parents or brother or anything to bail me out this time. She doesn't seem to understand that if I don't get this shit taken care of for myself she will be marrying a shadow of a person (forgive that cliched analogy). How can I be a good husband and stepfather (man, I never thought titles like that would be associated with me!) when I have no personal stability? God I don't know.

I'm tired but I can't sleep. Got terrible heartburn. Feels like my esophagous is on fire and slowly melting away. It's cuz of the drinks we had at Rhino's I'm sure. That was a short outing but really nice. I love being with her. Just sitting close and feeling that aura of togetherness wherever we are.

Ah, I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. I feel like this month is a gauntlet and I'm just staring at the end of it from 2 weeks away, awaiting my inevitable beheading. Recent events have amounted to the feeling of the blade already slicing through. If I can't make certain things line up by the end of this month I cannot be happy with myself. Whether she claims to be happy with me in spite of my shortcomings cannot change that (much).

I'm tired.

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