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william_blake's Journal

there is no name, it is all empty
21 September
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listen mutherfuckers, im not a happy person, ive suffered at the hands of my own ill-programmed mental functioning for too long and i hold no hopes of ever really reprogramming the redundant fucker. so, i will continue to be unhappy while completely conscious of the whole ridiculous merry go round ive been spinning on for 26 years. it's not gonna stop and no one can help me and im slowly learning to just get used to that and live with it. my primary 'issues' involve my lack of motivation to pursue success in the talents nature gave me, my inability to be anything more than a friend to females (at least for longer than 5 months - seems to be the longest a girl can stand me before she realizes i'm just not 'real' bf material and decides the way she THOUGHT she loved me is not the way she really loves me (while the quality of my love never seems to change, why can't i be that lucky?)...aka: a 'friendly' kind of love...fuck you), total lack of confidence, obsession with feeling like i HAVE to fulfill a handful of specific sexual desires, and the worst one of all...a constant obsession with this notion that i gotta figure out why this existence is here - what's the point? which includes the notion that somehow the eastern concept of 'enlightenment' will somehow solve that problem (hence, i gotta figure out how to 'become enlightened') when in fact, worrying about it just creates more anxiety, depression, anger, frustration, and stress...yup, ANYTHING to create anxiety, depression, anger, frustration and stress! i seem to love feeling those things cuz i have created a reality (up until recently, largely unconsciously) who's events always seem to lead me to those sensations. circles. i go in circles. it's incredible. the more i think about it, the more dream-like everything seems to be. is anything real? every sense experience is fleeting and i still continue to chase after some enjoyable sense experience that i hope will be 'permanent' this time. the primary one being the incredible feeling of being close to a lovely lady. the smells, the tastes, the feeling of her skin against mine, lips against lips, fingers through her hair and petting her cheeks, eskimo kisses, and all forms of sexual stimulation, exploration, worship and pleasuring of the graceful female body. but if i could just have one...one girl to have it all with. ONE. that's all i want, that's all i need. yet, i am not particularly attractive or desireable to females and all hopes of attaining this are constantly stunted and crushed. anyway, all we are is dust in the wind, dude.......dust........wind...


UNLESS, the universe for some completely incomprehensable reason decides to send you everything you just complained for years about not having in one incredibly beautiful package with a little message attached that says, "HAHA, jokes on you! - your friend, GOD". which is what seems to have happened. i left the above paragraph simply to illustrate the ridiculous contrast. but allow me to elaborate.

one night, while justin was out of town and kind enough to leave me access to his computer, i happened upon an interesting myspace message from a kooky girl that i wasn't SURE about but certainly intrigued by the nature of the message and a few things that popped out at me on her myspace. so we talked...and talked...and talked. then we met...and met...and met...and talked more and met and texted and met and worked and talked and worked and met and talked and worked and met some more and all the while falling in love and the affection and the sense of oneness and devotion was absolutely unmatched by anyone i'd ever been with. to be honest, i was SO sure that it couldn't get any better than the last one. i really thought after veronica i was SPENT...i had no desire or energy to love someone the way i had tried to love and devote myself to every girl i'd been with before. i always felt that in spite of my efforts it was an endless uphill battle and that with females, they always seemed to give so much at first, but the more i gave, the less they did until i felt like i was the only one reaching out - as if what i was giving was SO common place to them that there was no sense of wanting to appreciate it and maintain it.

but so far, this lovely, amazing, intelligent, caring, talented, sexy, witty lil' animal called 'Tara' is proving to be the opposite of that in all respects. the drive and determination everyday to work at this and to keep it in this real world, to not let the mysterious and ethereal side of it fall out of balance with the mundane and the practical strengthens. when we are together, when she is in my arms, there is nothing but a bright light in the empty vastness of space, but day to day, at work and while taking care of our lives there is a kind of practical steadiness that is slowly becoming the kind of support system i've always dreamed of having and always felt i would someday need if i am to continue on. so here is my prayer: that somehow, this time, this last time (for i know now for sure that i cannot go on loving in this way without TOTAL reciprocation) my complete devotion, loyalty, honesty, 'sweetness', caring, doting, mushiness, affection and monogamy will only be met with the same. so far, it has, in a way that i have never experienced and that simultaneously astounds and confounds me. yes, i love this girl, i am in love with this girl. she is resurrecting my heart and slowly healing the complex and often excrutiating misogyny that had been developing over the past 6 or so years. she encourages me to, and i'm trying, i'm TRYING to fight the reticence to admit my crazy nutty feelings for her. at every turn i'm scared to death to state my true feelings but when i do she always seems to meet me eye to eye and i am relieved and once again amazed at this happening that i can't fully explain or understand.

i love you, Tara Bell!
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